Eileen Fisher on keeping priorities straight; on finding balance with her work; on what “quality time” really means; on the distinction between passion and addiction, and why business is like love.

Q:  Why do you think there’s not more discussion about the intersection of work and family?

A: Entrepreneurs aren’t asked these questions.  There’s this driven-ness, this hyper-focus.  If you’d asked me these kinds of questions 15 years ago they would have overwhelmed me. I was so in the thick of it.

Q:  You didn’t have time to stop and consider how the business was affecting your family?

A:  For me the business was such a passion, such an obsession.  There was so much good in it.  It drove me, it was exciting, fun, happening, like a wild horse pulling me. I couldn’t get off.

I felt confident as a business person and as a designer.  When I found design, it was a place I felt good about myself, a place I could succeed. My personal life was harder.  Thinking about what I wanted for my life, besides work, was hard for me.  I wasn’t really able to focus on my needs.  I wasn’t confident as a woman, as a human being.  People and relationships—that was murky for me.  I got married at 38, very quickly.  My business was going crazy, but I knew I wanted to get married and have kids.  The clock was ticking.  Here I was in my mid-thirties, with no family. I met my husband at a boutique show and I thought, this could work.

Q:  Did your focus on the business mean that you didn’t stop to focus on the relationship with your husband?

A:  Definitely.  For the moment it felt right, and I didn’t understand how much work and focus a relationship required. Then I was pregnant and had my son, and I was trying to run the business.  My husband had stores in Ithaca, and we were back and forth. I was trying to rein in this galloping horse of a business and stay anchored.  It was exciting.  I was operating the business partly out of my home and partly out of the office in New York.  A few years later I had my daughter.

Q:  I’ve heard a similar reflection from many entrepreneurs:  they understand that creating a successful business takes a lot of imagination, attention, and just plain work.  But they never really understood that this other huge, equally complex thing in their lives—their relationships—take an equivalent commitment.

A:  Absolutely.  Today I spend more time thinking about my kids than I do my business.  My priorities are different.

Q: What caused you to change your priorities?

A:  A combination of things. I got divorced.  9/11 was also a wakeup call.  What am I doing?  You hear the word balance so much.  When my kids were young, I tried to do certain things—read to them, have dinner with them every night.  But I didn’t really understand how to connect with them.  My business was going crazy.  I was making huge, million-dollar purchasing decisions—and then going home to feed the baby?  I had deadlines, I was running around doing exciting things, or on the phone, or reading reports, and somehow stopping all that to play with dolls was confusing to me.  I felt like I didn’t know how to do it. The hardest thing was really being present for my kids. Some of my son’s first words were “crinkle rayon.”  It’s kind of funny, but also sad.

I was unsatisfied with my life, and overwhelmed with work.  Divorce was an answer, but also a nightmare, with the kids going back and forth. My daughter was four when my husband and I divorced.  There was a lot of confusion, but I was happier.

Later I got more anchored.  The divorce helped in that way. I got time for myself, time to think.  I started meditating, doing yoga, and going on retreats in my downtime.  It was great to finally have time for myself.

Q:  if you were advising a young female entrepreneur who wanted to build a rocking business and have a family at the same time, what would you advise her?  What would have made it better or easier for you?

A:  I would say, do things to anchor yourself, and to keep your priorities straight.  Make sure your most important relationships stay on top.  And take care of yourself.  When I didn’t do that, it was chaos.  What changed my life was when I started meditating. That worked for me.  Do something that helps you to reflect, and to become and remain conscious of what matters most to you.

I would also say, be present where you are.  It comes down to that.  When you’re with your kids, be with your kids.  I’ve become practiced at it.  People talk about quality time, but I think it’s bigger than quality.  It’s about the quality of the presence we bring. Some people do it much more naturally.

For an entrepreneur, work is very exciting.  You get pulled into things. You think you’re painting a masterpiece.  You get lost in the artwork.  You have to remember that while there are some times to get lost in the creative process, it’s not so many times compared to how important it is to keep your spouse, yourself, and your family on the top of the list.

Q:  How did you find this balance, at your growing company?

When my kids were in middle school, I started coming home at 3 pm 3 days a week. I realized that I could get the most important things done between 9 and 3 every day. I would guard my time:  this conversation’s going on too long; I can delegate this or that; I don’t have to do this; what’s the big picture here, what do I need to decide? I sorted my priorities and organized my time better.

Q:  Could you have been this crisp in the start-up years?  Even if your head had been there, could you have limited your time this way?  Or are there some phases in the life of a business when it always wins?

A:  That’s a great question.  In my case, the business did win in the early years.  But I think it is possible to have a family in a healthy way and create a really thriving business at the same time. It takes a certain kind of energy.  There will be times you have to throw yourself into the business.   It’s important to have a good support system for those times, have a supportive partner, and be aware of when you have to let go.  There were key times—weeks—when the line had to come together.  If I just had just given myself to the business during those times, but remembered my priorities the other times, that would have made all the difference.

The problem was, I couldn’t find that line between passion and obsession very well.  I think with the awareness I have now, I could do that. Business is addicting.  The addicting part is not what makes it good.  The passion is what makes it good. It’s like love.  Love is a good thing, but when it turns into obsession—when you have to be with that person all the time—it’s not healthy.

Q:  Your description of coming home from a frenetic life at work and having difficulty adjusting to the rhythm of children was poignant. You couldn’t figure out how that was important, compared to dealing with all the crises at work.  Work challenges are concrete.  The rewards of giving yourself at home are more fungible, hard to define, and our society doesn’t offer the same respect for that kind of focus and attention.  I understand your confusion about where that fit in, on the scale of importance.

And it’s hard for women to forgive ourselves for that confusion.

A:  A lot of friends tell me that I have to forgive myself, for those early years.  Women do punish themselves, but also they have a willingness to look at what’s past and reflect, on what can I do now?  It sounds like I’m beating myself up, but I’m also looking at it differently.  I behave differently now.  Attending to your kids in their twenties still has a huge impact on their lives.  With my ex-husband too—our relationship has healed. I reflect not so much on what might have been, but more about what were the pieces that didn’t line up right, what didn’t get put in place that can be put in place now?  I have another chance with my kids, and I’m on it.